Thing of the Day

Yes, I’m thinking of doing one of those. I suck at continuity, so I don’t know for how long I’ll manage to keep it up, but it’s worth a try.

Because, there’s this state where you feel like there’s nothing to count down the days with. And, worse, that there’s nothing to remember the days by. Sure, there’s routine and there’s school (university, actually, I’m second year now. Wow. How did that happen?) and there’re classes, and I meet with my friend Mary on an unofficial weekly sleepover, but…

At the end of the week I look back, and I can’t remember anything concrete for most days. Nothing that was important enough to remember, and that’s just sad, isn’t it?

Do you ever get those times when you talk to a parent, or a friend on a weekly basis and they ask you about something interesting in your life and you can’t think of anything? That’s not for the lack of it, surely! There’s a million small things through the day, like when Ma made me laugh so hard this morning despite my headache, or the fact that I’ve started thinking about my grandma a lot again these days (I guess it’s natural – it’s going to be 6 months since she died in a week) and feeling sad about it. But they just pass with the moment, or the day, and you… forget them. You might find an article you like, you might eat something horrid or delicious, but in a month’s time you’ll remember you’ve done it, maybe, but not the day, not the exact circumstances.

So, I’m going to do this “thing of the day” thing, just so that I remember there’s something important every day. Just so that I don’t start losing track of what’s happening to me.

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Yes, so, first thing of the day. I gave a few things up there, and I guess they fit into this category as well, but here goes something interesting: I tried recording myself, and GOD do I hate the way my voice sounds!!! Isn’t it supposed to sound higher to others than it does to myself? I just listened to it and, omg, is that even a woman talking?

Given, I was reading a fanfic told from a male character’s perspective… Is it a good thing, in that case? Huh. If I think of it that way, I might actually decide to give this podficking thing a try. For now this little pitiful attempt is going where the last one is: forgotten on my hard drive until my computer dies for no one to ever know of it.

Although, seriously, if I sound this horrible in person, how do my friends stand listening to me all the time???

~~~siliqu

Friends and Time

It’s natural to drift apart from your friends, isn’t it? I mean, people change. In fact, every cell in our bodies gets renewed regularly, and what that means is that you are literally a different person every 7 years. A different human being, not one cell of your original organism remaining.

And our interests vary, too. They change because we change, and suddenly you look at a person you had so much in common a few years back, and you think: why are we still friends? Your interests have drifted in one direction, theirs in another, and there’s nothing keeping you together anymore. Or, is there?

And what happens to those who are left behind? Those who stay put, who somehow don’t know how to go on with their life and don’t grow up, don’t change, don’t move? Is it our duty to pull them along, or is it our right to leave them behind?

I have a friend that I love dearly, I really do. But she’s gentle and easily hurt and things like the fact I can’t think up something to talk to her about hurt her. We’ve been friends for about 5 years now, maybe more, but I feel like I’ve changed a lot in the last 3 years and she’s…

I think she’s stuck, and I don’t think she even realizes it. She’s studying what she wants in university, but after the difficulties she went through to get there, it’s disappointed her. A lot of the people she held dear to her heart have left her, mainly going abroad, and while I’m one of those people, I’ve tried to keep in touch.

But the thing is, she has abandonment issues and they’ve made her clingy. She gets hurt over me not answering her for a day; she gets hurt when I go out instead of talking to her over skype. We’ve had big fights over that and I don’t know how to tell her that she’s smothering me. Because I love her, I really do, but something it’s just… too much…

One of the biggest problems is that once she told me she’s been abandoned so many times she doesn’t know if she can trust someone not to. She told me she doesn’t trust me not to. It’s… probably the most hurtful thing she’s ever told me.

And I’ve tried, I keep trying, really. I talk to her more often than I do to any of my other friends from back home; I try to help her when she needs it, but…

But it’s exhausting and it’s turned into a responsibility – into something I feel I have to do, rather than something I want to – and that’s not what friends are supposed to be.

But if I just told her that and let our friendship fade away, I feel like I’d be doing just what I told myself I wouldn’t. I’d be proving her right in not trusting me, and most probably never trusting anyone ever.

I don’t want to be this person. I never want to be this person….